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Wednesday
Wow, I’m beat. Been playing Halo for 79 hours straight now. That has to be some kind of record. Got one of those Homer Simpson beer helmets rigged up and a cool box full of Sprite and Twinkies close by. Breaking only for bathroom trips and the occasional porn fix. I'm racking up gamer points like I used to do buckets! Hibachi, bitches!
Thursday
My attorney Ken Wainstein calls about my court date tomorrow. Ken’s a pretty decent guy, he’s got good hair and a face you can trust. Reminds me a little of Harvey Dent before the accident. He’s still acting kinda pissy about his shoe, though.“Ken,” I tell him. “You’ve got to let that stuff go, Andray did.”
“It was a $300 shoe, Gil,” Ken exclaims. “Look, I need you to be on your best behaviour tomorrow. No more clowning around, you hear me?”
“Sure Ken, I hear ya,” I mumble, but I’m not listening anymore. I just nailed my ninth headshot in a row. One more and it’s a crap load of gamer points.
Friday
In a meeting with Ken and the team to discuss today’s game plan. Everyone says I’m looking pretty sharp in my gray pinstripe three piece, and it's hard to disagree.
Ken says I should look forlorn as humanly possible at court today. Lot's of staring at the ground, stuff like that. Apparently the strategy is to look like I give a shit. Crazy, huh?! He’s also insistent that I mustn’t pull finger pistols on the photographers, however strong the urge.
Saturday
Dreamed about Andy Dufresne and The Sisters last night. Weird. Don't even like Shawshank.
DeShawn calls but it’s hard to understand him when he’s got that oversized gold and platinum grill in his mouth. I think he wants to know whether he should get my mug tattooed on his face as a display of team loyalty.
“Yeah,” I tell him. “I mean, at least you can’t get a face tattooed backwards.”
He hangs up.
Sunday
So Adidas has stuck a fork in my contract, which kinda sucks. I liked that commercial with the little bearded Gilbert. But all is not lost; my agent said Steph has been in touch. Repeatedly. He wants me to represent his Starbury shoe line. Apparently there’s a three figure deal on the table, which sounds pretty fantastic at the moment.Monday
Lot of talk about the Wiz voiding my contract. Dad calls and tells me I can sleep in the back of his old Mazda if worst comes to worst. I remind him how successful his acting career is.
Tuesday
Halo is awesome.
Wednesday
Stern drops me a line: “Look Gilbert, it’s nothing personal, I just don’t like you. That whole “Hibachi” crap just rubbed me the wrong way.”
“I understand, David. It was annoying. Listen, you gonna let me play again sometime?”
“I don’t know, Gilbert,” he says in that icy tone of his. “My wife wears mink. And anyway, am I not supposed to be a mean guy?"
_
*According to Michael Romyn
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