Players Most Likely To...

Yes, yes, it’s the same format as SLAM magazine’s annual “Rookies Most Likely To…” feature with a marginal difference but, as you may have already noticed, inspiration at PU HQ waxes and wanes like the moon and, at present, we’re in a particularly prosaic phase.

2010 -11 Season Player Most Likely to…

Wear Shannon Brown’s balls as a hat: Steve Nash.

There’s plenty of dunk fodder in the league, but none so small and so willing to take a charge as Nash. Plus, there’s precedent; he came mighty close to fashioning Ricky Davis’s testicles as a head piece in 2007.

Sustain a backboard related head injury: Shannon Brown.

To complement the state of insipid abstraction we’ve recently found ourselves in here at PU, there’s been an unexpected surge in mortal contemplation. You see, a feathered friend, which was identified as a domestic pigeon, died this morning when it unwittingly flew head first into a window positioned on HQ’s east wing. As a leader of PU, and of men, I took it upon myself to nestle the poor creature under a thicket of fern as way of burial.

Poor bird, flying so swift, so strong, so free, and with no notion of the surprisingly lethal hazard that lay ahead. It’s a valuable lesson for all you high-fliers. Take heed, Shannon Brown. And you, Justin Bieber.

Irk me for no real reason: Kevin Durant.

Durant is, without doubt, an NBA player you would bring home to your mother. Not only would he buy you flowers, listen to your crappy stories, and be nice to your friends, but he’d also understand, or at least accept, that it’s important for you to wait until it feels right. (As pointlessly comparing Durant with LeBron, and vice versa, seems to be the prevailing zeitgeist, I would say LeBron’s an NBA player you’d lie to your parents about. He’d toy with your emotions, let you down at important moments, then ditch you when someone more attractive came along.)

KD’s just the complete package - humble, successful, hard-working, cool enough to feature on an awesome mixtape, solvent, and a patriot to boot (delicious pun alert!) But, for me at least, the golden boy image is wearing a tad thin. Just go smoke a cigarette or punch or horse or something equally bad, will ya?

Eat himself to death: Sean May.

Where did it all go wrong, Sean? You were meant to do big, important work in the league. You were meant to become a cornerstone, not the size of one. Take a good, hard look at yourself, Sean. You’ve lost your job, you’ve got gravy on your shirt and it looks as if you’ve had a FatBooth makeover, only you haven’t. For God’s sake, Sean, pull yourself together.

Step out the front door, feel the sun on his face and think: “Boy, it sure is good to be alive.”: LeBron James.

One of the many knocks on LeBron is his perceived unwillingness to expand his offensive repertoire. While Kobe would quite happily spend a summer holed up in the laboratory, tinkering with a new jab step or suchlike, LeBron would spend his off-season being super cool in the club, wearing super cool sunglasses and saying super cool but mildly inappropriate things within earshot of an ESPN scribe, or so the story goes. 

When he was still in Cleveland, this was a legitimate gripe. Adding a go-to post move to his game would have opened up a new dimension in the Cavs offense, and thus given the team another look when the offense grew stale, which it invariably did. Now that he’s in Miami, however, the complaint’s irrelevant like Dustin Diamond. Why bother adding a new skill when you can add a Dwyane Wade and a Chris Bosh? It’s a hell of a lot easier, and it leaves you bags of time to be super cool.

Make a guest appearance on Entourage: Who gives a shit?

Remember when NBA cameos used to be fun? You know, Ron Harper on Kenan & Kel, Alonzo Mourning on Hang Time, Tim Hardaway on Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper, that sort of thing? Back then it was all wooden delivery, awkward pauses and wholesome messages. Now it’s Kevin Love and Jordan Farmer looking on as Eminem punches Vinny Chase in his big head or Chris Bosh saying something stupid like: “I’ll give you a thousand bucks. Gimme some vodka.” Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the king of the cameo, would not approve.

Wish he’d gone to China: Tracy McGrady.

Isn’t it where washed up jocks (for the record, I do not include Iverson in the Washed Up Jock category) go these days? In China, McGrady would put up silly numbers, chow down on some truly scrumptious dumplings, and be adored by literally everyone. In Detroit, he’ll be a disappointment, then an afterthought.